Time Flies

I can't believe how time flies. It's been nearly two months since my last posting. It might be that I have so much going on in my life right now. My daughter was awaiting a response from the University of Utah to see if they would accept her into the nursing program. She had to submit an application, references, reference letters from three university professionals, her grades for the last two years including past college classes and grades, an essay, etc. It was amazing. There were almost two hundred applicants for the Fall 2006 semester (this class is for two years - bachelors degree) and they accepted 64. She was told that usually it takes two or three times of applying before you're accepted, but she maintained a 3.9 gpa and had wonderful reference letters from campus staff and faculty, so I was optimistic, however I wasn't the one waiting to hear back whether or not I would be accepted. When she received her acceptance into the program, she was estactic and so was I. She can hardly wait to get started. Her boyfriend is a physics major with a minor in math. He took the MCAT (the test to see if you can get into medical school) and is waiting to hear back his scoring. He has some high standards that he holds himself too and I hope he gets back the score he can be satisfied with. He wants to be a cardiologist and has been shadowing some doctors at Primary Childrens Hospital. He is definately happy to be doing it and he and my daughter can talk forever about medicine. That is a great thing - they have a lot in common and so enjoy their work and know that the other is happy to hear about it. They are definately a cute couple. My boys are definately tiring me out. First they played high school baseball (one starting varsity and the other starting junior varsity) and now both are starters on their Automotive League and American Legion League. They enjoy baseball so much and my 14 year old was so excited because for the first time ever, he was able to be on the same team as his 17 year old brother. Although they technically played for two different teams, they practiced together and dressed together. It was so wonderful! They will have games up until the end of July or first part of August. They began baseball in March! It's definately a long season but so much fun! My husband and I have been part of some car shows (we have a 55 chevy belair) and it's been a lot of fun. Cruisers are the best people! He's working on some upgrades to the car (it will NEVER be completely done) and he loves it. Money is an issue but luckily, most of the time, he's a patient man. My 17 year old will be attending college in the fall and now we'll have two in college. It's amazing, I remember saying to them when they were little that they could grow up, go to college and be whatever they wanted. It seems like last year when we were having those discussions and now it's here. I'm not sure I like the fact that life sneaks up on you like that. I miss my little ones sometimes. I guess that's what makes a good grandma. We raise our kids the best we can and then there's this break in the middle and we find ourselves waiting for children again. I've already told my kids that I'm going to be one of those grandmas that spoil their grandkids rotten. I've prepared them for it and told them that they've been warned. They all say, yeah, yeah, mom - go right ahead. It's going to be so much fun! First, I wondered what my children would be like and now I find myself wondering what my grandchildren will be like. I can't believe I just said that - I don't feel like I'm at the "grandmother age" but I guess I am. Wow, that's really wierd if I think about it too much, so I'm not. It does seem though as if the days roll on and before you know it - they're gone. Sometimes I'm afraid, sometimes excited for what's up ahead. People tell me it's so nice to have your children grown and on their own. They tell me just think of all the time you'll have to do what you want to. The silly thing is, I'm doing exactly what I want to do right now. I adore going to games, drill competitions, school functions. It's been the most wonderful life. I'm going to be sad when it's done. I'm definately not looking forward to having it disappear. So I'll continue to dedicate myself to my 14 year old, whose home for another three years before college, and the other two and be happy that they are good, decent, loved people in today's world. Well, enough for now....this sounds like a letter I've written to a close friend. Well, in a way, that's what all who are reading this and responding are....good, close friends. Goodbye for now, and hopefully the next time I write won't be two months down the road.

Good Friends

I must say that I have the best good friends. The ones you can tell anything to and there's no judgement. The ones you turn to, even though you don't see them very often, and know they understand. The ones who support you in all you want or need to do. The ones that although are of a different faith, still love you, care for you and respect you. I'm beginning to let people in enough to help me. When I posted my last blog, two of my dearest friends responded and just reading what they had to say was some of the best therapy I could have received. I love these two dearly and even if we only communicate through our blogs, it's wonderful. I know when they comment on my blog that they're checking up on me and my life and they know I'm there for them. It's actually very fun, entertaining and sweet to read about their lives and what's going on. We are definately staying in touch! So here's to you my friends........I Love You!

Hello Again

It's seems like forever (over a month) since I last wrote. My life is so crazy sometimes I'm not sure if I'm coming or going. It seems that I've been going lately....going crazy. My life has been so complicated - mostly good stuff, but complicated nevertheless. I figured that my feeling down was due to having so much going on. I thought that my not sleeping was part of my "too riled up" syndrome and that I had to learn to relax. I thought that my memory issue (I was having real problems remembering something that was being said to me less that thirty seconds ago) was because of all the stuff going on in my life. I thought that my irregular heartbeat was because of my no sleep situation. I thought that my losing interest in all that I used to enjoy - excercise, visiting with friends, playing with my dogs, watching my kids grow up - was just a phase I was going through. I thought all these things until the night I lost control and became someone I didn't recognize. That night I didn't like the look I saw in my children's eyes. The look of horror - the look of total confusion - the scared, totally frightened look. I knew I was falling apart and breaking into pieces but I couldn't stop it. I yelled and screamed and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop crying. I became someone they didn't recognize. I didn't even recognize myself......I couldn't control anything about me. I was totally out of control and for me - that's unacceptable. I'm the one in the family (brothers & sisters) who is in control. I have the perfect life. I show such a polished exterior - kind, understanding, sincere, trustworthy, loyal, dedicated......and I feel all these things, I truly do. But somewhere in all that - I lost me. I LOST ME. The hardest thing I ever had to do was make a doctor's appointment, get myself to her office, wait (the waiting almost did me in) for her to come in and then volcalize, actually say aloud, that I was so uncontrollably anxious and depressed that I needed help. I never want my kids or husband to see me like that again. I'll never forget what she said during our long visit together. She said that it gets awfully tiring keeping up the facade of perfection or near so, while inside is crumbling apart. We talked and talked....mostly I cried. I had never before told anyone and I mean anyone, what I had been experiencing over the last couple of years. I knew, because I loved my children and my husband so much, that I needed to admit I needed help. She had me take a test, she asked a million and one questions (honesty only please no matter how hurtful or frightening it was) and we discussed my options. First, I needed to be able to sleep. She prescribed some medication for that and for the first two or three weeks, I just concentrated on getting enough sleep. This is because I told her that if I could just sleep, maybe everything would be alright. She said she was sure it would take more than that, but she let me try. After those couple of weeks of sleep, I did feel more awake, but the anxiety attacks and the feelings of dispair were still there. She then perscribed another for me for anxiety which I took hesitantly. I had taken some anti depressants about 12 years ago and did not do well. This hesitancy also added to my stress. I must say, it's been two months now and I definately am feeling better. I still have times when I feel overwhelmed, but somehow I'm able to cope. I know what's going on, I can rationalize and talk myself into knowing it's going to pass and that everything is still ok and it is. It passes and I can stay in control. There are a lot of issues I've needed to deal with. Why I feel I have to be almost perfect. My needing to control almost everything around me. My need for complete organization. I've learned a lot. I've learned that I don't have to be perfect, it's ok to be flawed. I don't need to control or worry constantly about issues that are either out of my hands, or haven't even come up yet. One of my issues is worrying about things way down the road. I like it all to be neat and tidy. I'm learning to do what I can about today - now - and let the rest come as it will. I'm learning that I need to deal with what I can and let the rest go, at least for the moment. I've also learned to be flexible. I still struggle with some of these things every day. I know that the medication only helps me to keep control and to stay focused. I need to make the changes. I need to change my behavior. I need to realize that it's ok if I'm not in control every second of every minute of every day! I'm learning and I know I won't be perfect at it - see I'm learning - but I will do my best. After all, that's all any of us can do - our best and the rest we have to let go of!

Kids Say The Cutest Things

Monday night I offered to watch one of my 10 nieces, she's 5 years old. I have a fourteen and a seventeen year old sons and they were totally entertained by their little cousin that night. First, when we were getting ready to eat supper, one of my boys asked me what we were having. I said rigatoni and meatballs. What, my little niece asked staring at the plate I had just placed before her, looks an awful lot like pasta to me. That began a dinner full of laughter! While eating dinner, they began asking her little questions - how old are you, what grade are you in, etc. (even though they already knew the answers). Soon one asked her if she was ever going to get married and she said yes. Well, how old will you be when you get married and she promptly said 22. Oh, they said - how many kids are you going to have? 9 she said, taking another bite of pasta. Well, how many girls and how many boys? Well, she said thinking, I'll have 100 girls and 100 boys. My boys were practically choking on their food now. Wow, they said, what kind of car are you going to drive? A van like you, she said looking at me. Oh, I said, I drive an expedition. One of the boys asked her where she'd put them all....well, she said, whoever doesn't fit on a sit will be shoved into the back where I'll put groceries. Again, laughter filled the dining room. Ok, so where will you live, my fourteen asked her. I'm going to live in Nana's house (that's my mother - her grandmother) after she dies. Well, needless to say - we all were giggling so hard and there she sat, straight faced and looking at us as if we were nuts. Ok, so who are you going to marry, one asked her. Brian she said with a smile. Oh, and how old is Brian? Well, she said, putting down her fork and putting her hands together under her chin, he was just 5 when he was in pre-school, but now he is 7. Oh, my boys chimed. Yes I know, she said giggling herself, he's an older boy. After this comment, she gently pushed her food away saying she was full. Just thinking about this conversation makes me laugh outloud even though it's been a few days. My boys thoroughly enjoyed this banter and their laughter still rings whenever one of them wills say to the other....remember what Sydney said...... I think too they were slightly surprised by the way she answered some of their questions as if she were older and wiser than her years. Laughter, there is no better medicine!!!!!

The Cell Phone Connection

I saw on the news the other day the report about how college kids are just not "letting go" of their home life, ie parents. They stated that, according to physicologist, too many of our college kids are being damaged by the fact that they can call home, several times a day, using their cell phones and that the "break" away from their home lives is not happening like it should. What!?! What are they talking about? The "experts" say that we are not doing our college aged kids any good by being constantly available to them. They will have so many problems on their own if we, as parents, don't limit the amount of time we communicate with our children! Give me a freakin' break! Oh, wow, in times where we struggle to keep communication open with those we care about, we are now being told, as communicators, to keep our mouths shut. I'm sorry but if my college aged daugher, and I have one and a son who will be in college fall of 2006, wants to call me several times a day to let me know how she's doing, when she's excited about an achievement, when she's distressed or down about something difficult, when she's began a new special relationship with that cute boy, I will never and I repeat NEVER tell her that she's called me too much or that she needs to deal with these issues on her own. I very rarely call her because I figure she will let me know when she wants to what's up in her life. I call occasionally to say hi if I haven't heard from her in a few days, but that's probably only happened once in the two years she's been away. She, on countless times, has said how much she appreciates the fact that she can call me at any time and that I actually CARE about what's going on in her life. I don't drill her about her life, I figure if she wants to tell me about it she will. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don't insult my intelligence by tell me that too much communication from my college student via any means is somehow damaging to them as they begin their lives away from home. (Now we wonder why we have so many young adults who have trouble communicating to employeers, their spouses, families, friends, etc. They are going to "professionals" who help them cope and learn to communicate better! UNBELIEVABLE! As far as I'm concerned, anyone I care about is free to call me anytime they want to for any reason and I will never tell them they are talking to me too much!

Stay At Home Mom

Before and after I was married, (my husband is from the Bronx) my job was very important to me. I would work hard, eat my lunch at my desk, try for promotions (estactic when I got it, depressed when I didn't). Even though I come from a large family (Catholic not LDS) and my family is very important to me, my work "friends" (or extended family) were very important to me also. After I had my first baby girl, I continued to work. It was difficult, but we needed every bit of money. My husband worked for the department of defense and layoffs/budgeting became a nightmare for him. Two years later, we had a son, even though we were better off than before, I went back to work. I dreaded every moment I was away from my two children, the only positive is that my sister was babysitting them. When my third and last baby came along, I decided to quit. Like so many other working mom's, I realized that my career was motherhood, and my job was just a way to bring in some extra cash. It was hard, but my husband made enough money to provide for us if we were careful and I never regretted that decision EVER! I was chided by my "work friends" for a while, but I brushed their comments aside and listed to my heart. I was a stay at home mom for 13 years. I went back to work when my daughter started college and my youngest was 11. It was a very difficult thing to do but we sat down as a family and discussed it together. I think my children being part of the decision making was the best thing we did. At least they felt they had a say in what was happening to their world. I am working now. I began working full time and after a year, asked if I could get off at 4pm instead of 5pm so that I could get home earlier to spend some quality time with my kids. After a year of working that schedule, I realized that I needed to make an additional change. My second child will be going to college this fall 2006 and my fourteen year old son (who can't get around because he can't drive yet) was still so dependent on someone to help him get to practices, school, community service projects, etc. I spoke with my employeer about 8 months before I would have to go part time (at least leave by 2pm) in order to accomplish all I needed to. At first they didn't really like the idea. As time got closer, I was completely honest with them and told them that on January 4, 2006, I will be working part time and if not for them, then I would have no choice but to find somewhere else that would work with my schedule. I showed support that I could do the job in less time and they realized that it just might work. Whala! It does. I now work from 8am to 2pm and after that I'm my kids mom! I pick my son and his buddies up from school and take them to practices, I never missed a parent/teacher conference but now instead of going at 7pm, I can get there as soon as it begins and get back home in a very short time. My son knows I'm there to check homework, know where he's at after school, able to be at all his performances, etc. I was there for the other two (because I wasn't working) and now I'm able to be there for him. Knowing all I do, I would love to be a stay at home mom again even though my kids are growing up! I have nothing but respect and admiration for mothers who make the decision to have their children be their careers and to those of you who can't but would love too - keep searching for ways to make it work. For those of you who think we stay at home moms are crazy - where's the looney bin because I'm jumpimg in!

Some Kids Parents

So, I've related to you all a story regarding my 17 year son's trip to a rival school bb game and what happened. Get ready for another doozey - he went to a bb game at another school to cheer on his school. He and a few of his buddies were standing up and cheering (true fans never sit and watch a game - at least not the student body) and someone behind them asked them to sit down. My son did and then decided to go to the bleachers behind the team where it was considered the "student" section and where most everyone was standing. They made their way to the "student" section and continued to stand and cheer on the team. After a few minutes, someone called my son's name. It was one of the parents (who stands quite frequently himself) and he asked the boys to sit down. My son replied that this was the stand up section and that they just wanted to cheer for the team. My son decided to ask the vice principal (who was standing not far away) if they could continue to stand. He said of course and besides there were only a few minutes left in the game. It was a good game, although we lost again, and afterwards my son and his friends were walking out of the gym when this dad stopped him and said that he thought my son had more respect than that.....what? my son said. I though you had more respect than that and that and you should have been more respectful of me. My son apologized and said that they were in the student cheering section and that they had permission from the vice principal to continue standing and cheering. This dad became agitated and very upset. He continued to rant for a few seconds and then my son said whatever and began to walk away. This dad then yelled that he would have his son (the one they were watching play bb) "take care" of him. All the students with my son began laughing and my son said something about his little brother can take care of his son and then he walked away. The great thing is that the dad's son called my son at about 11pm (after he got home from the game) and apologized to my son for his dad's behavior! Imagine - a son having to call to apologize for his dad's behavior - my son said it's no problem that he doesn't have any hard feelings towards this kid and that he said that this kid played really well at the game. The kid said thank you and that the reason they like to play is because of the students who go to support them - so it all turned out well. Some peoples parents!!!!!!!!