Hello Again

It's seems like forever (over a month) since I last wrote. My life is so crazy sometimes I'm not sure if I'm coming or going. It seems that I've been going lately....going crazy. My life has been so complicated - mostly good stuff, but complicated nevertheless. I figured that my feeling down was due to having so much going on. I thought that my not sleeping was part of my "too riled up" syndrome and that I had to learn to relax. I thought that my memory issue (I was having real problems remembering something that was being said to me less that thirty seconds ago) was because of all the stuff going on in my life. I thought that my irregular heartbeat was because of my no sleep situation. I thought that my losing interest in all that I used to enjoy - excercise, visiting with friends, playing with my dogs, watching my kids grow up - was just a phase I was going through. I thought all these things until the night I lost control and became someone I didn't recognize. That night I didn't like the look I saw in my children's eyes. The look of horror - the look of total confusion - the scared, totally frightened look. I knew I was falling apart and breaking into pieces but I couldn't stop it. I yelled and screamed and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't stop crying. I became someone they didn't recognize. I didn't even recognize myself......I couldn't control anything about me. I was totally out of control and for me - that's unacceptable. I'm the one in the family (brothers & sisters) who is in control. I have the perfect life. I show such a polished exterior - kind, understanding, sincere, trustworthy, loyal, dedicated......and I feel all these things, I truly do. But somewhere in all that - I lost me. I LOST ME. The hardest thing I ever had to do was make a doctor's appointment, get myself to her office, wait (the waiting almost did me in) for her to come in and then volcalize, actually say aloud, that I was so uncontrollably anxious and depressed that I needed help. I never want my kids or husband to see me like that again. I'll never forget what she said during our long visit together. She said that it gets awfully tiring keeping up the facade of perfection or near so, while inside is crumbling apart. We talked and talked....mostly I cried. I had never before told anyone and I mean anyone, what I had been experiencing over the last couple of years. I knew, because I loved my children and my husband so much, that I needed to admit I needed help. She had me take a test, she asked a million and one questions (honesty only please no matter how hurtful or frightening it was) and we discussed my options. First, I needed to be able to sleep. She prescribed some medication for that and for the first two or three weeks, I just concentrated on getting enough sleep. This is because I told her that if I could just sleep, maybe everything would be alright. She said she was sure it would take more than that, but she let me try. After those couple of weeks of sleep, I did feel more awake, but the anxiety attacks and the feelings of dispair were still there. She then perscribed another for me for anxiety which I took hesitantly. I had taken some anti depressants about 12 years ago and did not do well. This hesitancy also added to my stress. I must say, it's been two months now and I definately am feeling better. I still have times when I feel overwhelmed, but somehow I'm able to cope. I know what's going on, I can rationalize and talk myself into knowing it's going to pass and that everything is still ok and it is. It passes and I can stay in control. There are a lot of issues I've needed to deal with. Why I feel I have to be almost perfect. My needing to control almost everything around me. My need for complete organization. I've learned a lot. I've learned that I don't have to be perfect, it's ok to be flawed. I don't need to control or worry constantly about issues that are either out of my hands, or haven't even come up yet. One of my issues is worrying about things way down the road. I like it all to be neat and tidy. I'm learning to do what I can about today - now - and let the rest come as it will. I'm learning that I need to deal with what I can and let the rest go, at least for the moment. I've also learned to be flexible. I still struggle with some of these things every day. I know that the medication only helps me to keep control and to stay focused. I need to make the changes. I need to change my behavior. I need to realize that it's ok if I'm not in control every second of every minute of every day! I'm learning and I know I won't be perfect at it - see I'm learning - but I will do my best. After all, that's all any of us can do - our best and the rest we have to let go of!